Slut FAQ

Say the word “slut” in mixed company you’ll get some raised eyebrows. The word carries centuries of baggage (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Slut): dirty, slovenly, “a woman with loose sexual morals.” Morality … always the trouble maker.

I, along with many of my friends, am a self-described slut. I appropriated the word “slut” five years ago, after my husband and I opened our marriage. The unfortunate derivatives from slut – indiscriminate, unprincipled, degenerate – defy my understanding and experience of modern-day sluttery. I have many happy, grateful (and talented!) partners, I have many tiny little dresses, and I have many, many orgasms. As a partnered slut, I am obliged to conduct my sex life with intention, open communication, humility, kindness, and respect. I am, indeed, promiscuous, but I’m no degenerate.

I may have “loose sexual morals,” but my ethics are top-freakin’-shelf. And, through trial-and-error, improving everyday.

As I walk through the world as an out-and-proud slut, I’m asked questions about my life and times. Some queries come up again and again.

Q: So, can you just walk up to anybody and have sex with them?
A: Technically, yes, and then only if they say “yes.” I can do that because my husband and I have laid a foundation of communication and trust. It takes a tremendous amount of responsibility to exercise the privileges of sluthood. Also, I trust myself, I have well-established boundaries and I’m not shy about stating my needs. The un-partnered sluts I know share these qualities. Yes, I’m free to fuck whomever I want, because I planned it that way.

Q: So, do you just walk up to anybody and have sex with them?
A: No. The sluts I know are a discerning group of bitches. We are choosy people, well-versed in stating our needs. I’m not just looking for sex, I’m looking for great sex, on my terms, with a willing partner. If that’s not enough, I’m also filtering for intelligence, skill, humility, open-mindedness, health and presentation, sense-of-humor, a little-bit-of-rascal, and sexual chemistry. And then, my husband needs to weigh in. With that litany of criteria, it’s a wonder I get laid at all.

Q: What do you tell your kids?
A: The way I understand and exercise my sexuality certainly colors the way I talk to my kids about sex. I’m frank about both the biology and the psychology of sex and sexuality, and we talk often on the subject. It’s a regular thing. The information they receive is circumspect, accurate, and age-appropriate. What do they know about my fantastic sexual escapades? Nothing. Think about it, what do you want know about the intimacies of your parents’ sex life? Nothing, I expect. I’m writing a more in-depth post about this topic, “Parenting While Slutty.” Stay tuned.

Q: What about STI’s?
A: STI’s are a common, crappy medical possibility for every sexually active human. I am, statistically, more likely to contract an STI because of the number of sexual partners I have. However, the partners that I enjoy are a part of a community where STI’s are, for the most part, discussed and disclosed matter of factly. Regardless, I can only be responsible for my own actions, so I use condoms with everyone (husband excluded) and I get tested regularly. I am more likely to get a shitty bronchial virus, that will last 10 days and infect the rest of my family, than I am to get an STI. I wear my proverbial seat belt and most of the sluts I know – male and female – do the same.

Q: What happens if you fall in love? What about feelings?*
A: I put myself in the position to feel big stuff over and over again in my hyper-connective sex life. Sometimes those feelings are damn good. Other times they suck. I have the emotional spectrum of a teenager … and the wisdom of a 44-year-old woman. So, when I have shitty feelings, I keep in mind that they are just one interpretation of reality, and I examine myself first. This allows me to have a massive, crap-tastic pity party, for however long it takes. After that, I can get a grip on the reality of the situation and engage in bucking-the-fuck-up. The damn good feelings outpace the shitty ones, thankfully. I experience so much love, it’s glorious. To enjoy this abundance of love while partnered necessitates communication, patience, and, more often than not, dogged determination. So. Damn. Worth it.

* Much more on this topic forthcoming. The feelings born from the realities of social sex are fascinating and wonderful and scary and exhilarating and and and …